Uncertain times we all are in

(Written last March 24, 2020)

It's a sunny Tuesday morning today. Looking outside my window, I can see the clear, blue sky. The warmth of the sunshine and the wonderful weather brings me peace amidst the difficult and uncertain times we are all facing right now. I never imagined that the whole world will wake up one day with this pandemic. People are so used to only seeing it in the movies or in novels but this is now happening in real life.

Back when the year started, we were all just watching all this occurring in China, specifically in Wuhan, the epicenter of the novel corona virus, now referred to as as SARS-CoV-2 (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome Corona Virus 2) causing the COVID-19 (Corona Virus Disease 2019). But after just a few months, it has now spread here in Europe, the United States, Iran, and other parts of the globe. Our generation hasn't experienced something as big and as debilitating as this. People are getting sick and the unfortunate ones are in critical condition and dying, the healthcare system is overwhelmed and front liners, which include doctors, nurses, and other medical staff are risking their lives, the economy and financial of stability of countries are being challenged, governments are faced of how to better handle the situation. These are unprecedented times in a generation who has state-of-the-art facilities, who is is so used to technology in their day to day living, who is having a comfortable and good quality of life, so much better than the generation before.

Our lives are spent working and going to school, socializing with friends and family, and, from time to time, improving different aspects of it. We are so busy and then one day, we wake up hoping this pandemic is just a bad dream.

I Miss the 'old' Me

As much as I would like this corner to be of happy memories, as of now, I'm really feeling down. Maybe because of the weather? Autumn is already here and it's been gloomy and rainy these past few days. But then, it's not the main cause. Recently, I've been listening to podcasts and watching Youtube videos about self-care and personal development. And I feel like I really needed them. I was reminded how important it is to:

         1. know your North Star (aka your purpose/direction in life)
         2. devote time for instrospection (aka looking at yourself, your thoughts, your feelings)

I just think that these past 2 years and 3 months, the total amount of time that I've been here in Germany doing my PhD, I've lost those two important things - my North Star and introspection.

I used to be the person who is excited of things, the current ones and the ones that will happen in the future. I also used to be the person, even though pessimistic most of the time, will try to rise up and overcome the challenges that I face. But now, I just feel like I don't really care about anything. Yes, I'm waking up everyday to go to work. Yes, I get to travel and experience new things. Yes, I've been living what was once a dream, which was pursuing a PhD in a biomedical field in an international and world-renowned research institute. But at the end of the day, I'm really just going with the flow. I'm not that enthusiastic anymore. And I feel bad because I know I could do better, that I could grow more professionally and personally, but here I am, just stagnant, just living day by day for the sake of living. I miss the 'old' me. I miss the young, enthusiastic, wide-eyed girl who's ready to take on the challenges and who's not afraid to fall because she knows she can get up stronger and wiser. I miss my old self who knows what she wants, where she is going, and has a solid plan for her life several years from now.

Hello and Welcome to Of Wonder and Wander

It's quarter past 7 in the evening and I'm sitting here in my little apartment in the city of Köln (or Cologne).  Windows are slightly opened to let the cool air come in. Fortunately, we are now passed the heat wave that occurred throughout Europe the last couple of weeks. Coming from a country in the tropics, which is the Philippines, I may be used to the heat but still I prefer cool temperatures - sunny with cool breeze is my kind of weather.

This lovely and peaceful evening is a good way to start writing.

By the way, hello! I'm Pam!

As a short introduction, I am a 32-year old Filipino currently doing my PhD here in Germany. I am not a writer/legit writer but I love writing down my thoughts. As a child, I used to have those so called "secret diaries". Secret diaries that eventually become not so secret when your sibling sees them and probably showed them to your parents. When I was in college, those secret diaries got upgraded into online diaries or blogs. I started with a platform called Xanga (which doesn't exist anymore). Wrote a little in Multiply but it's purpose is really for uploading photos. In my 20's, I discovered Blogger and had a blog called Emancipation on going. I've been writing on it for almost a decade now and it has been such a wonderful experience. It's my haven online - a place where I can just write whatever is in my heart. However, now that I'm in my 30's, I feel the need a start anew.  And today, this new blog Of Wonder and Wander is coming out into the blogosphere!

I'm hoping to share my interests (such as travel and photography), candid thoughts about life, plans about the future, and many other things. Well, basically, this is again a place to pour out my thoughts and feelings.