I Miss the 'old' Me

As much as I would like this corner to be of happy memories, as of now, I'm really feeling down. Maybe because of the weather? Autumn is already here and it's been gloomy and rainy these past few days. But then, it's not the main cause. Recently, I've been listening to podcasts and watching Youtube videos about self-care and personal development. And I feel like I really needed them. I was reminded how important it is to:

         1. know your North Star (aka your purpose/direction in life)
         2. devote time for instrospection (aka looking at yourself, your thoughts, your feelings)

I just think that these past 2 years and 3 months, the total amount of time that I've been here in Germany doing my PhD, I've lost those two important things - my North Star and introspection.

I used to be the person who is excited of things, the current ones and the ones that will happen in the future. I also used to be the person, even though pessimistic most of the time, will try to rise up and overcome the challenges that I face. But now, I just feel like I don't really care about anything. Yes, I'm waking up everyday to go to work. Yes, I get to travel and experience new things. Yes, I've been living what was once a dream, which was pursuing a PhD in a biomedical field in an international and world-renowned research institute. But at the end of the day, I'm really just going with the flow. I'm not that enthusiastic anymore. And I feel bad because I know I could do better, that I could grow more professionally and personally, but here I am, just stagnant, just living day by day for the sake of living. I miss the 'old' me. I miss the young, enthusiastic, wide-eyed girl who's ready to take on the challenges and who's not afraid to fall because she knows she can get up stronger and wiser. I miss my old self who knows what she wants, where she is going, and has a solid plan for her life several years from now.

Hello and Welcome to Of Wonder and Wander

It's quarter past 7 in the evening and I'm sitting here in my little apartment in the city of Köln (or Cologne).  Windows are slightly opened to let the cool air come in. Fortunately, we are now passed the heat wave that occurred throughout Europe the last couple of weeks. Coming from a country in the tropics, which is the Philippines, I may be used to the heat but still I prefer cool temperatures - sunny with cool breeze is my kind of weather.

This lovely and peaceful evening is a good way to start writing.

By the way, hello! I'm Pam!

As a short introduction, I am a 32-year old Filipino currently doing my PhD here in Germany. I am not a writer/legit writer but I love writing down my thoughts. As a child, I used to have those so called "secret diaries". Secret diaries that eventually become not so secret when your sibling sees them and probably showed them to your parents. When I was in college, those secret diaries got upgraded into online diaries or blogs. I started with a platform called Xanga (which doesn't exist anymore). Wrote a little in Multiply but it's purpose is really for uploading photos. In my 20's, I discovered Blogger and had a blog called Emancipation on going. I've been writing on it for almost a decade now and it has been such a wonderful experience. It's my haven online - a place where I can just write whatever is in my heart. However, now that I'm in my 30's, I feel the need a start anew.  And today, this new blog Of Wonder and Wander is coming out into the blogosphere!

I'm hoping to share my interests (such as travel and photography), candid thoughts about life, plans about the future, and many other things. Well, basically, this is again a place to pour out my thoughts and feelings.