As much as I would like this corner to be of happy memories, as of now, I'm really feeling down. Maybe because of the weather? Autumn is already here and it's been gloomy and rainy these past few days. But then, it's not the main cause. Recently, I've been listening to podcasts and watching Youtube videos about self-care and personal development. And I feel like I really needed them. I was reminded how important it is to:
1. know your North Star (aka your purpose/direction in life)
2. devote time for instrospection (aka looking at yourself, your thoughts, your feelings)
I just think that these past 2 years and 3 months, the total amount of time that I've been here in Germany doing my PhD, I've lost those two important things - my North Star and introspection.
I used to be the person who is excited of things, the current ones and the ones that will happen in the future. I also used to be the person, even though pessimistic most of the time, will try to rise up and overcome the challenges that I face. But now, I just feel like I don't really care about anything. Yes, I'm waking up everyday to go to work. Yes, I get to travel and experience new things. Yes, I've been living what was once a dream, which was pursuing a PhD in a biomedical field in an international and world-renowned research institute. But at the end of the day, I'm really just going with the flow. I'm not that enthusiastic anymore. And I feel bad because I know I could do better, that I could grow more professionally and personally, but here I am, just stagnant, just living day by day for the sake of living. I miss the 'old' me. I miss the young, enthusiastic, wide-eyed girl who's ready to take on the challenges and who's not afraid to fall because she knows she can get up stronger and wiser. I miss my old self who knows what she wants, where she is going, and has a solid plan for her life several years from now.
